


Self-Loathing and Utter Perfection

by Alois_Trashy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-29
Updated: 2013-01-29
Packaged: 2017-11-27 11:31:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/661496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alois_Trashy/pseuds/Alois_Trashy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave hates it but Bro loves it. Bro gives Dave the strength he needs to continue on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Self-Loathing and Utter Perfection

You try to hide it from him, but you can’t.

He’s always able to figure out exactly what’s wrong with you.

You hate that part of him, almost as much as you hate yourself.

You stare at yourself in the mirror, naked and shadeless.

You sicken yourself.

Your skin, so pale and translucent, and covered in freckles. Your hair, so thin and colorless. You’re skinny, too skinny. Your bones press against your skin, showing every joint, every curve. You sigh to yourself as your eyes travel over your reflection, picking out every detail, every part of your body you wish you could change. Your gaze continues to travel your body until you reach your eyes.

Your bright red eyes.

The part of your body you hate the most. You hate them so much, you hide them from not only the world, but you hide them from yourself.

You shake your head and turn away. You’re too sickened with your own body to look at it any longer. You grab your towel from its normal spot and wrap it around your body, covering as much as you can. You walk out of the bathroom, walking briskly even though you know you’re the only one home. You know Bro left a while ago. That’s the only thing you know though. He never tells you anything.

Once you reach your room, you grab everything you’re going to put on. You lay it all out on your bed in the order you’ll put it on. You hate looking at your body any longer than you have too. Once dressed, you lay on your bed, your arm draped acrossed your eyes. Your body shakes as choked sobs wrack your small frame. You hate yourself. You hate how you look.

But the worse part of it all is that you hate your brother more than anything.

He’s everything you’ve ever wanted to be.

He’s so strong. He’s built and his skin and hair have a color. But not just any color, he’s golden. Your brother is the golden boy everyone loves, everyone wants to be. You, you’re the pale freak. You’re the albino that everyone shrinks away from. 

And damnit, you’re tired of it all.

You’re tired of hating yourself. You’re tired of hating the person you love.

Yes, you finally admit to yourself that you love him. You love him and it’s just another reason why you hate yourself. He’s your brother; you’re not supposed to feel like you do. But you can’t help it. He’s the only person who gives you the time of day. He’s the only one who doesn’t shrink away from the sight of you.

So absorbed in your own thoughts, you jump and quickly wipe at your face when you hear the sound of keys jingling. You reach over to your bedside table and grab your shades, setting them on your face before your brother can see your eyes.

You sit up seconds before Bro enters your room. He says nothing, but you know he’s waiting for you to talk. He’s waiting to hear your voice. He already knows you’ve been crying. The bastard always knows.

You try to keep your face emotionless though. You won’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he’s right.

The two of you continue to stare at each other until you finally speak.

“Get the hell out of my room Bro. I’m busy.” You lie as your voice cracks.

Bro stares at you for at a moment longer before he shakes his head slightly.

You watch as walks closer and closer to your bed. With each step, you hate him more and more.

You hate it when he stops right beside you and you hate it when he kneels down.

When his golden, leather clad hand reaches towards you, you shut your eyes tightly. You can’t bear to look at his perfection. It stabs at your already wounded heart.

You feel your shades being taken off of your face. You open both your eyes and your mouth, about to shout, when your words get stuck in your throat. Not only did Bro remove your shades, he took his off as well. You stare into his eyes as he stares back into yours.

His bright, perfect, orange eyes stare into your bright, hideous, red ones.

You blink back the tears you feel gathering in the corner of your eyes and turn away. To hell with your Strider pride right now. Right now, you really just want to be left alone.

Bro knows this, but he’s not going to leave. The prick never leaves you alone.

Out of the corner of your eyes you see Bro raise his hand. You know he’s going to slap you. He’s going to slap you and tell you that Striders never turn away from anyone, they never cry.

You brace yourself, readying yourself for the slap that never comes. Instead, you feel a cool, leather clad hand cup your cheek and turn your face back. You choke back another sob when you’re forced to stare back into his perfect, orange eyes. You bite your lip when you’re forced to once again stare at the perfectly sculpted face of your golden brother.

You clutch at the blanket under you and sniffle when you’re forced to stare at the face of the only guy you’ve ever loved.  
You watch as orange eyes blink. You hear the quiet sigh that escapes your brother’s chapped lips.

Just when you can no longer take looking into the face of perfection, you feel something rough gently rubbing your cheek. You close your eyes and lean into the feeling, not giving a shit about anything anymore.

You just want something to comfort you.

You want someone to tell you that everything is okay, that you’re perfect just how you are.

You need that from someone. You need someone to be there when you let your walls down, when you let out all your anger and frustrations with your body.

Right now, you need your bro.

The rubbing stops and you feel the bed dip down beside you. You keep your eyes closed tightly when you feel yourself being pulled towards warmth. You feel yourself breaking down when you feel those perfectly chapped lips against your forehead. You bite your lips harder when you feel yourself being pulled even closer to the heat. You lose yourself completely when those chapped lips are at your ear, whispering the words you’ve waited to hear for so long.

“You’re utterly perfect Dave. Perfection at its finest.”

You curl into Bro’s body as the tears roll down your cheeks. You clutch tightly at his shirt as your body trembles under the force of your sobs. You feel his hands on your back, holding you close. You feel his warm breath at your ear, kissing and repeating his words.

After what feels like hours, your tears dry and your body stills. Your breathing finally slows back to normal and your grip loosens on your brother’s shirt. Though you’re finally calming, Bro never stops. His words are still being spoken into your ear. His hands are still on your back, rubbing small, soothing circles into your skin.

He continues this for a while longer, until you are totally calmed again. He pulls back then, looking into your eyes for a moment until he does something you would have never expected.

You watch as he moves back just enough to pull his shirt off. Once off, he tosses to the foot of your bed. He reaches for you and you stare, your eyes wide with so many emotions. You watch as he does the same with your shirt then pulls you against his body once more. You just finally calmed yourself back down, and here’s your brother, breaking down all your walls again.

He repeats his words once more into your ear before he moves down your face, brushing his lips over each of your freckles, kissing each one and muttering about perfection. You try your hardest to keep your sobs in, but damnit, you can’t. You can’t control yourself when the guy you love is telling you the things you’ve wanted to hear for so long. Your hands clench into fist and you press them against your Bro’s chest as he continues kissing every part that you hate.

You don’t understand anything anymore. Your brain is in overdrive and you feel it shutting down on you. At first, you tried to come up with some reason, any reason, for Bro’s behavior. You wanted to think of something, even if it was an obvious lie, to explain why he was not only being nice, but why he was acting so out of character. Now, as his kisses move lower and lower down your body, you want to know why. Why is he touching you like this? Is he just screwing with you? Is he taking advantage of you in your weakened state? Or, and you try not to think it for it would break your heart if you were wrong, does he feel the same as you do? Is he also so fucked up in the head that he would feel for you as you do for him?

As if he read your mind, which wouldn’t surprise you in the least, he kisses back up your body and stops once he reaches your lips. Gently, he takes a firm hold of your head with one of his large hands and forces you to look him in the eyes once more. You see your reflection in his eyes and God do you look pitiful. Your pale skin is now red and puffy from crying: your nose, red and leaky. Your body is once again trembling and tears roll freely down your cheeks.

Just when you had enough of looking at your pitiful self in the perfect eyes of your brother, his face is impossibly close to yours and his lips cover your own.

Shock runs through your body as his lips move against your own. The hand not holding your face in place is back on the small of your back, once again rubbing small, soothing circles into your skin. You feel your body begin to shake even more as your eyes close and you move your hands from his chest to around his neck, holding him against your small body. Slowly and hesitantly, you move your lips against his, trying to copy what he’s doing.  
The two of you remain this way for minutes, neither of you wanting to pull away from the other. You’re forced to pull back though when your breath is completely gone. You pull back, your foreheads still touching, and breathe in deeply. You watch as a small smile forms on Bro’s lips and you feel the hand on your face move up, brushing some stray strands of your hair back.

“I love you Dave.” He quietly whispers against your lips. After that, he goes back to repeating his words from earlier. You feel your chest tighten each time he speaks and the prickly feeling is back in your eyes.

For the rest of the day, the two of you lay together in your bed. You remain curled up against your brother’s body, trying to hold in your tears, but failing. Bro holds you tightly all day. His words never cease, his hands never stop rubbing. Every once in a while, when you’re about to break down and Bro senses it, he presses your lips together again. The kisses you share are sweet and gentle, nothing more than lips against lips.

By the time the sun sets and the two of you are bathed in a scarlet glow, you start to believe in Bro’s words. Though you’ll never see yourself as anything but an ugly disgrace, you start to believe that it’s fine. Bro seems to believe that you’re perfect, that you’re beautiful, so what does it matter what the rest of the world thinks? Though you’ll always be jealous of Bro’s godlike body, you start to think that maybe, just maybe, you’ll be able to go on. 

As long as Bro’s there at your side, as long as he loves you as you love him, you think that you’ll be able to get through.

As your eyelids feel heavy and you find yourself drifting off to sleep, you feel Bro hold you tighter. You feel your bodies being covered with your blanket and you feel chapped lips on yours one last time. You allow a small smile to form on your lips as your eyes close and you feel yourself falling sleep. Right before you disconnect from the world completely, you hear Bro’s voice, quiet and husky from drowsiness, one last time. His words give you a reason to wake tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I actually totally hate when Dave is portrayed as a whiny emo kid, but this idea hit me and it wouldn't go away. I listened to one song on repeat while doing this... If anyone wants to know the song, just ask. Or I would love to hear your guesses!


End file.
